What Can I Say?
by BurningxRedxCaskett
Summary: POST ALIYAH...And you should know, please believe me, I've picked up the phone a thousand times and tried to dial your number but it's been so long, it's never easy...it's like trying to spin the world the other way...TIVA


**Authors Note: **Ok, yes, I know I should be focusing on my Kibbs story _Falling Down_and I am...when I know what to add to it lol...This is just a little song fic/one shot. It's post Aliyah. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:**Does it look like I own NCIS? I mean, come on, get real! I do not own Carrie Underwood either.

**Song:**What Can I say-Carrie Underwood featuring Sons of Syliva

Reviews are love, leave some.

-Krystle

* * *

_Piercing words, eyes are red _

She remembers knocking him to the ground outside the Mossad Headquarters, pointing her gun in his chest, then to his leg. She remembers yelling at him, telling him that it was his fault that Michael was dead.

Then she asked him why he did it, why he had risked his career? He answered her in two words: For you.

She does not need protection. She is a trained killer. She does not need a man to protect her; least of all Tony.

When the time comes for the team to return back to the states and NCIS, she goes with them to the airport. Gibbs and her father exchange good-byes and Ziva pulls him to the side. In not so many words she asks him to choose between her and Tony.

Gibbs eyes stare into hers and he looks back at her father, who is wearing a smug smile on his face no doubt. Gibbs nods once in the direction of her father, and kisses Ziva's cheek.

She watches the people who have been her life for the better part of three years get on a plane and leave her behind.

She's sure she now knows what it feels like to be left behind. She watches as the plane clears the runway, and wills herself not to cry. She has to be strong in the presence of Eli David.

_  
Watched your taillights in the rain  
Empty heart filled with regret  
I know we were both to blame_

Lying on her bed in the room she grew up in, she stares numbly at the ceiling. Since Michael's death, she's felt nothing, but since Tony went back to the states, she felt like a part of her was ripped to shreds. She finds it a bit ironic that when her boyfriend dies it has no affect on her, but when someone she's worked with for the last few years kills him, and leaves she misses him the most.

_And I'm not sorry that it's over  
But for the way we let it end  
So I said all I had to say  
In letters that I threw away_

She doesn't regret her decision to stay in Tel Aviv, she thinks this time away from her life in America will do her, and the people she loves there, a great deal of good. Once she's finished healing here, she will return, she tells herself.

Rising from her bed, she walks over to the desk she's used so many times before. Reaching for a pen and paper she sits down, and begins writing Tony a letter. She has so much she wants to say to him, but she can't tell him to his face.

She reads over what she's written, and crumbles the paper up and tosses it in the nearest trash can. She can't send that to him; she would feel like a teenager sending a letter to someone whom she has a crush on. No, no letters, no anything.

_  
_  
_And you should know, please believe me  
I've picked up the phone a thousand times  
And tried to dial your number  
But it's been so long, it's never easy  
It's like trying to spin the world the other way  
What can I say?_

It's been two months since she's been home. She thought things would get easier with time, but she is quickly realizing that she's wrong. She misses her life in America. She misses NCIS and all the good that they do.

She misses Gibbs, and how he always feels the need to protect her. He protects her more than her father ever did, or ever will, she reasons. She misses how Gibbs can be an ass one second, and the next turn into a caring man.

She misses Abby, and how they used to have drinks at a bar outside the Navy Yard. She misses getting squished in an 'Abby Hug'. She misses that no matter how her day is going, one visit to Abby and her day is much better.

She misses McGee; he was always an easy going guy. They had plenty of disagreements, but he has quickly become part of her extended family.

Even though she won't admit it to herself she misses Tony as well. She can't follow through with dialing Tony's cell phone. She gets about half way through the dialing before she hangs up her phone. She doesn't know if he will even answer, but if she gets enough courage to dial the number, listen to the ringing, and hear his sweet voice answer…what will she say?

_  
_  
_How did it come to this?  
I think about you all the time  
It's no excuse  
But I wish that I never made you cry_

Time goes by slowly for Tony. He sits at his desk, staring at Ziva's empty desk across from him. Nothing he does seem to matter anymore with out her. He misses how they used to banter back and forth, he misses the way she would confuse her idioms, and not use contractions.

He just misses her.

Thinking back to night he lost her, puts another needle in his already aching heart. He doesn't regret that he killed Rivkin-he'd do it again if it meant protecting her. He does however regret seeing her cry because of him. He's only seen her cry once in the three years she's been with NCIS, and that was when Gibbs had no memory of who any of them were.

_I'm not sorry that it's over  
But for the way we let it end  
I couldn't find the words to say_

He should have said more to her, explained to her what he found out about her "boyfriend." He couldn't find the words then, but now he could have a book about what he's found out about Rivkin.

When she didn't get back on the plane to come back to the states with the team, he felt his heart shatter. It took everything he had not to go back out there and drag her by her ponytail.

He knew then, maybe even before then, that Ziva was more than just a partner for him, she was everything to him. How could she choose her father-who really shouldn't be called a father in his opinion-over Gibbs and NCIS?

_  
_  
_And you should know, please believe me  
I've picked up the phone a thousand times  
And tried to dial your number  
But it's been so long, it's never easy  
It's like trying to spin the world the other way  
So what can I say?  
What can I say?  
What can I say?_

At the end of his day, he returns to his apartment. His house never seemed so empty. He doesn't enjoy Friday nights anymore; not with out Ziva there to share a movie with. He can't even remember the last time he watched a movie.

He grabs a beer out of the refrigerator, and falls back onto his couch. He stares at his phone on the coffee table, and after sometime reaches for it. He flips it open and scrolls down to her name. He wants to call her.

He finally presses 'ok', and waits for her to pick up, but he's met with the operator saying that the number is no longer in service. He flips the phone shut, and throws it against the wall in anger, watching as it shatters to bits on the floor.

_I hate to think all you had of me  
(I said all I had to say)_

For days Tim and Tony investigate the mission that Rivkin was to be on, and finally come to the conclusion that Ziva's father sent her on it. They are both down in Abby's lab when Gibbs comes in and tells them that the boat Ziva was on was caught in a storm and that there were no survivors, but the trio wouldn't succumb to Gibbs' news.

Tony was going to find Ziva, and bring her home.

_  
Is a memory I left you,  
Space between what was mean to be_

He's sitting in a cell in Somalia, Tim 'unconscious' on the floor. Saleem walking around him like a vulture circling the sky. Saleem asks Tony questions and he answers with the truth, since he's been injected with a truth serum.

Saleem asks about 'the one he lost'. And Tony tells him about her, saying that there was no way that she was going to come to his aid, that Ziva David was dead.

Tony puts up a front, and begins to be a smart allick, further pissing Saleem off. Saleem storms out of the room only to return a short time later with another captor, a white bag over the persons head.

He slams the person down in the chair across from Tony, and says that they should talk. When he removes the bag, Tony is face to face with Ziva. Even dehydrated and food deprived, covered in dirt and her hair a curly mess from the humidity and lack of showers she's had due to being held prisoner, Tony still thinks she is the most beautiful creature he's ever seen.

_  
(In letters I threw away)  
And the mess that it turned into_

Once Saleem leaves, Tony gives Ziva a school boy's smile, "So, how was your summer?"

_  
What can I say?  
What can I say?  
What can I say?_


End file.
